Not Yet Mommy

The long journey towards parenthood…

Bloggity Blog Blog! October 13, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Stephanie Marie @ 10:59 pm

First and foremost let me start out by saying that, yes, I know I suck at this whole “Wordless Wednesday” thing. I will try to get better, I promise, however Wednesdays always seem to be the busiest days of my life as well as the most boring as far as picture taking is concerned. Still, be prepared to be bombarded with picture awesomeness soon as I’m going to post pictures from the awesome baby shower that I threw for the two pregos at work the other day! 🙂

In the mean time, I will be chatting a bit about a new addiction that is forming, and that is reading other people’s blogs! I don’t know what it is about following the lives of people who are essentually strangers, but I begin to feel close to these women and I genuinely enjoy reading about their days. It makes me feel a little less alienated in my world to know that I’m not the only person on earth that feels the way I feel or thinks about the same mundane stuff. Granted, I have only been reading blogs by women who are mothers as of late, but I still feel a connection. Maybe getting to see a bit into their lives as mommies makes me feel better about my life as a not-yet-mommy, who knows.

In case anyone is interested, here are the blogs I currently find myself reading (and I think you should check out):
Dirty Diaper Laundry (Been reading this one for over a year. Kim is freaking awesome and one of the authorities on Cloth Diapering!)

Pickles & Paisleys

What’s Cookin’

A Few of my Favorite Things (A-freaking-mazing crafty stuff!)

Here Comes The Sun

There are a few more that I’ve been lurking on, but these are my favorites and the ones I check daily. Check them out and let me know of any you like to read as well. 🙂 I Love Blogs!

 

The power of family October 4, 2010

Filed under: Personal Post — Stephanie Marie @ 10:41 pm

I have never been one that has been super close to my biological family. I’ve always felt different and like I didn’t belong, though I can’t pinpoint when these feelings began or why. I guess it doesn’t really matter. Long story short, I realized at some point in my life that family had nothing to do with sharing blood or DNA, and absolutely everything to do with sharing love and a bond that cannot be broken.

Let me tell you about my family. Yes, I have a biological family and I have in-laws. I love love love my in-laws (so much so that I actually rarely refer to them as in-laws when I introduce them or talk about them)! I can honestly say that my Mother-in-Law is one of my best friends, my Father-in-Law is a wonderfully fun person to be around, and I have two of the best brothers anyone could ever ask for. Let me not forget my wonderful Hubband, Rodney, our “son” Rocky (the meanest tabby cat you’ll ever meat), and our “daughter” Olive (my baby puppy dog). I love my family!

On top of my biological and legal family, I am one of those people who refers to very very close friends as family. Biologically speaking, none of my brothers or sisters have children (and I am cool with that), but I do have a niece, Sarah. Sarah’s mother and I met while working at literally the worst jobs ever, and our husbands became fast friends after realizing that they are basically clones of each other. Our relationships go far beyond friends. These are the people that I would trust with my life and I’d do anything for (something, I hate to say, I have a hard time saying about my biological family), and who I learn so much from. These are the people that will one day be my children’s aunt and uncle, and we’ve chosen (albeit way preemptively) to share the roles of God-parents for those same future children (the other co-God-parents are currently cooking my next niece or nephew in South Carolina and we also consider family).

To end this terribly disjointed post, I leave you with something a very wise woman once said to me: “There’s a family you’re born to, and a family you find.” I’m happy to have found my family in this world, and I wish I had a way of experssing how much I love them, because they deserve to know, but there are just not enough words.

 

Not being myself? October 2, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Stephanie Marie @ 11:48 pm

I recently had the mother of one of the children I work with tell me that I haven’t seemed like myself recently and that this concerned her. I chalked it up fighting the month-long bronchitis and just being tired, but, I don’t know, maybe I’m really not being myself right now. I’m certainly filled with a lot of emotions that I’ve never really had at any other point in my life and I’m finding myself at a strange crossroads.

I’m hoping that I figure this all out relatively soon and can get back to being “myself.” In the meantime, I guess I’m just going to have to get use to this new not-so-me.

 

To seeing possibilities… September 28, 2010

Filed under: Personal Post — Stephanie Marie @ 10:51 pm

What seems like a long time ago, a great man said these words to me as I was leaving his office: “To seeing possibilities where others only see walls.” At the time I thought that it was an odd way to say good-bye, albeit a thought provoking one. I knew that he was specifically referring to interactive performance, and, more specifically, performing in the Box, but as I’ve come to notice in my life, he was referring to much, much more.

I’ve always had an aversion to being told what to do. I’m stubborn and I like to do what I know to be right, even if others disagree wth me. I do not like being a follower, but that doesn’t mean I want to be your leader.

That being said, last week I decided that I was too tied to the internet, specifically to Facebook, and enough was enough. I announced that I was going on a Facebook Blackout for 7 days, to just kind of get away from it all. I knew that it would be hard, and, even in the first few days I thought I was going to have to cave because I was trying to plan a few things and it seems like no one answers their phones anymore, but I persisted. A not so long story short, I made it to 9 days without Facebook, and I was actually a bit bored when I got back on it today. I guess I was expecting my friends to write on my wall or to post really interesting things, but no one really did. Oh well. Good to know I can go without. 🙂

I am one of those people that tends to put up more walls in person than I do on the internet (case in point, this blog). I do not like talking to people in person, because I do not like social situations. I feel awkward and I do not know how to act. I often get embarrassed because I say the wrong thing or I react the wrong way. When I find someone I can have a conversation with and truly be myself without worrying about body language or tact, that’s something very special to me. What’s even more special to me is when I can make that kind of connection with someone I truly love, and this was the case this weekend.

I have never felt right with my family. My siblings and I are very very different and this is not very different with my husband’s brothers. I’m close with his baby brother, Chris, but even so, we have a difficult time connecting most of the time. We argue, a LOT, and we’re both very stubborn people. My husband’s other brother, Patrick, reminds me quite a bit of my biological brother, and I’ve always been kind of hung up on that since I met him. That is a wall I have put up, and this Saturday we broke that wall down. We talked for hours about so many things that we have never mentioned spoke to each other about in the nearly three years we’ve known each other. I think Patrick put it best when he said that there are people you love because they’re blood, and there are people you love because you truly love them. After this time spent with Patrick, I can honestly say that I feel as though we have both moved from the “love because their blood” (even though we’re not blood) side, to the “truly love” side of things. Now I just need to work on verbalizing this to him.

 

To start, a not so Wordless Wednesday… September 22, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized,Wordless Wednesday — Stephanie Marie @ 9:33 pm
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I had a job interview today, my first in nearly a year, and I’m not entirely sure how it went. The job is basically tailored for me, and I would love to be doing something I’m so knowledgable about and so good at, but, at the very end, I got a question about something that happened months ago and that I didn’t really have anything to do with. I felt like I was being attacked because one of the kids has special needs. I did my best, and if they choose not to use me for the position, then that’s their choice. There’s nothing I can do about it now.

In other news, I’m battling bronchitis, which, in not too many words, sucks! I don’t feel sick for most of the day, but I can’t laugh or I lose the ability to breathe. If I start coughing it’s all over; I can’t breathe, I can’t talk, and I can’t stop. Grossly enough, I can cough up mucus, but I can’t get it out, so I can’t get rid of it. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. By the end of the day my head is throbbing, my chest is tight and sore, and I just want to stab myself in the face to end my suffering. I hate being sick. 😦 Not to mention that I sound like a bad drag queen right now. I feel awesome. :-/

In my sickened state I’ve been spending a lot of time on the internet, searching around for crap I don’t need or spending hours looking for specific things that people want for their almost babies, only to be shot down and not thanked. I really need to stop being nice to people that really are not nice to me, but I digress. I’ve been reading several blogs to keep me entertained and I almost did the unthinkable today: joined a TTC forum! I’m not one to generally ask for help or commisserate with other people, but, in a particularly severe moment of weekness I wandered over to the Bump, and considered logging in. In the end, my sanity returned (or so I’m telling myself) and I didn’t post anything, but now I’m wondering if maybe I should have. Would it be beneficial for me to talk to other women who are trying to conceive and not having any luck? I’m afraid that it’ll just bring me down as I read, from month to month, that more and more of them are getting pregnant while I’m not. I’m still considering it, albeit in the back of my mind. Lord knows that my current plan of venting to the same three friends (whom I’m sure are sick of hearing about it) and being around people who got pregnant “on accident” the same month I started trying to get pregnant on purpose, is just not helping my morale at all.

In other news, this is the week of the infamous “Facebook Blackout”! That’s right, folks, as of this past Sunday I have not logged onto Facebook even once and I don’t plan to again until Monday the 27th. I doubt anyone really cares all that much, and I do feel rather liberated from it by having been gone for three days, but I must say that I picked the worst week to do this little experiment. Aunt Ann is planning a Miller family get together, it’s Kevin’s birthday tomorrow, and I’m trying to put together a baby shower luncheon thing for the two girls at work (once again, being way too nice, however it does get me out of playing any baby shower games). I have come to learn that planning any sort of get together or celebrating any sort of special occassion with anyone off of Facebook in this day and age just kind of sucks. That being said, things seem to be working out fine, albeit with more legwork having to be done.

Now, for the real reason I logged on this lovely evening… WORDLESS WEDNESDAY! I apologize for missing last week, and because I couldn’t participate in WW on Facebook this week, I didn’t think to take any pictures. My remedy for this? I’m going to post last weeks photos. 🙂 Enjoy!

 

Let’s talk… September 19, 2010

Filed under: Personal Post — Stephanie Marie @ 8:53 pm

I don’t have a Savings Sunday post today as I haven’t had to go out to the grocery store as of late because I’m stocked to the brim. Sorry, not fantastically long receipts today.

Instead, I’m going talk about a topic that is all too familiar: I took a prenancy test, and it was negative.

To be honest, I’m not 100% sure how I feel about this anymore. We didn’t chart this month, and we didn’t plan when we should try and when we shouldn’t. I’ve felt strange recently, including having odd cramping in my lower abdomen and having my breasts be sore on the sides. I haven’t felt well, and I’ve been super emotional. And, nothing. There’s a part of me that is just so relieved to not be pregnant because I’m still a little scared of the prospect of being a mother, but mostly because I’ve already convinced myself that I will never be a mother.

Don’t get me wrong, I would love to be a mother! It’s all I’ve ever wanted to be, but, for once in my life, I’ve felt like I’m not good enough to do something. I literally have everyone around be having children right now, and I feel so left out. Friends from college, former students, coworkers, even my best friend! All are having children, and i’m not.

So, where do I go from here? Do I focus on myself and just hope it happens? To I keep preparing for our hypothetical future children? Do we keep trying? Do we wait and try again in a few months?

It’s weird feeling lost.

 

Missed Wordless Wednesday because I have too many words… August 26, 2010

Filed under: Personal Post — Stephanie Marie @ 9:03 pm

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My Sarah and I.

I started this blog to chronicle my journey to becoming a mother, from the before, to the during, to the after. I chose the name “Notyetmommy” because I had hope of one day becoming a mother and, at the time, I knew it would happen one day, but now I’m not so sure. I will caveat this by saying that I have by no means been told that I am infertile or that my husband and I will not have children, but I have this feeling. Call it woman’s intuition or just cold feet at the thought of being a parent, but I have this strange feeling in my gut that I will never fulfill my dream of becoming a mother.

I often find myself crying, and it’s gotten to the point where I’m never entirely sure if I’m crying out of joy, sadness, happiness, or defeat. My husband has forbidden me from watching things that he knows will make me cry (i.e., ASPCA commercials and anything dealing with Extreme Makeover: Home Edition), but I find that nearly everything makes me cry. I cry when Harold Crick lives in “Stranger Than Fiction.” I cry when I hold certain children at the center. I cry when I get frustrated with the dog, or about the cat hating me. I cry when I read, when I type, when I write, and when I do dishes and no one else is around.

I’m not entirely sure if I’m crying about not being pregnant or if I have some kind of hormonal imbalance, or even if I’m making up for being so emotionless sometimes.

I cry when I think about Sarah, but I know why I cry then. I cry because I’ve never loved anything so much in my entire life and I never knew that it was possible to love someone so much. Maybe it’s because I love her parents so much and I consider them part of the family that God created for me, or because I have absolutely no doubt that she is a miracle and I feel so unworthy to get to know and love her. The only thing I know is that I cry happy when I am around her. I cry hope.

I hope that my feeling is wrong and that I will get to be a mother one day. I hope I get to feel the kicking, and the feet in the ribs, and the heartburn, and the nausea. I hope I get to feel what it’s like to burst with love and to bring a life into the world. I hope I do not become jaded by seeing how unhappy so many parents are or discouraged with the trying. I hope that my planning and praying and hoping isn’t in vain. I hope that God’s answer to my pleas to be a mother isn’t “No.”