Not Yet Mommy

The long journey towards parenthood…

A big, big problem. March 18, 2011

Filed under: Personal Post — Stephanie Marie @ 11:12 pm

Let’s go ahead and skip the formalities. I know I’ve been a sucky blogger as of late, but that is pretty much because I’ve sucked at life as of late. No excuses, because they don’t matter. I suck, and I’m sorry.

Life is getting better, though. I’m spending more time with the Hubband, I’m doing better at keeping house and being a wife, I’m enjoying my work and my life more, and I’m spending some more time on myself. Dare I say, I am a much much happier Stephanie. Granted, I’ve had to give up on watching the Hubband bowl three nights a week (but seriously, my apartment is cleanish for once, so perhaps it’s an OK sacrifice, though I really do miss watching him bowl), and I’m pretty sure I threw a friendship right down the toilet in order to be able to focus on myself. Do I feel bad about the friendship? Yeah, a little, but I guess the fact that I’m not too heartbroken over it means that it probably wasn’t the best friendship. Oh well.

Also, I’ve been taking part in a Bible study with two of my friends from high school (who are about 1600 miles away from me, I might add) who have been having some baby-making issues as well, and that has helped so much with the whole TTC bit. Well, that and a book that my dear friend Jenny gave me to read. Now, let me preface this by saying that there is no medical reason why Hubband and I cannot have children and we have not been labeled as infertiles by anyone, however, by pure definition, since we’ve been trying over a year and we’re under 35, we’re technically having “fertility issues.” Whatever. I chalk it up to bad timing and stress, but however people want to label me, that’s cool with me.

Where was I? Oh yeah. So, Jenny gave me this book about infertility and being able to find peace along the journey. Ha! The journey? Finding peace? What a joke that notion feels like when you’re staring at a single f-ing pink line on a pee stick each month, but I figured I’d give the book a try. What a difference it has made in my life! Now, I can’t say that either the Bible study or the book has made the biggest difference, but, long story short, I’ve realized that I’ve been praying the wrong prayer all of these months.

You see, this whole time I’ve been praying feverishly for a baby. I’ve begged. I’ve pleaded. I’ve bargained… and nothing. I’ve realized that it’s not my right to pray for a baby; God knows I want a baby and He knows if and when I will ever have one. What I need to be praying for is that God’s will be done and that He gives me the patience to wait for Him to carry out His plan.

Does this make everything better? Does it make it so that I think about having a child less or make it so I’m not this obsessive baby freak anymore? No, not really. I’m a little better, but yes, I think about my future children often and I still ache to be a mother. However, I can honestly say that I’m becoming less anxious and, dare I say, more at peace with not yet being a mother. I feel like I’m learning the skills God wants me to learn before bringing a child into this world and I just hope that I’m doing what He wants me to do.

 

Sometimes motivation kicks you right in the ovaries… December 31, 2010

Filed under: Personal Post,The Path to Half — Stephanie Marie @ 12:05 am

It will never fail to amaze me where motivation can come from. As you saw in my post yesterday, much of my inspiration comes from the love I have for several people, but some of my inspiration also comes from embarrassment. There have been times that I didn’t fit or I looked terrible in an outfit, or what have you, but today took the cake.

Now, you must remember that I work with children, and children do not think the same way as most adults. Children have a tough time with thinking of situations in a rational manner sometimes and their logic is just too funny to me. What happened between me and a 6-year-old boy today serves as both a great laugh and the kick in the ass I need to keep going.

I was holding baby P today out near the playground, just chatting with Mama Miller and some of the kids when the 6-year-old boy came up to the fence and asked me, in all seriousness that a 6-year-old can muster, “Miss Stephanie, are you going to have a baby soon?” Now, let me fill you in on what was going through my brain at this moment. I know children, and I know that he could have only meant three things by this question: 1) I am a woman and to 6-year-old children all women are “mommies”, therefore, I should be a mommy (this was reinforced as being the logical reason for asking me such a question as this is the same child that often asks me why my children are not at the center and what their names are. He always seems rather confused when I tell them that I don’t have children yet.), 2) I was holding a baby and he assumed that I should be having a baby if I were holding a baby, perhaps, or 3) He was saying, in a roundabout manner, that I am fat.

Guess which one it was.

Yup! I told him I was not about to have a baby and he replied, “Oh! It looks like you are,” with that same look of confusion that he gives me when I tell him that my children are not at the center because they don’t exist yet.

I know that he didn’t mean it maliciously, after all he is only a 6-year-old boy, and most 6-year-old boys are not evil, but it did make me feel like shit and it was definitely the reason I refrained from eating the entire box of cookies that had been sitting in the office most of the afternoon. 🙂

 

Yeah, I know that I suck… December 26, 2010

Filed under: Personal Post — Stephanie Marie @ 11:44 pm

It’s been over two months since I’ve written a blog post and I know that I kind of suck at this whole blogging thing, but I’m hoping that I’ll get better at it. So, what has been new in my life? Take a seat and hold on, I’ll tell you all about it.

– I spent the latter half of October and most of the month of November in and out of hospitals as my father-in-law went from having chest pains to having a triple bypass (with an aortic valve replacement thrown in for good measure) to having a wicked bedsore that literally became a major pain in the ass when it required surgery. Since then it’s been the roller coaster that is recovery. On the bright side, he’s doing very well and we just celebrated our first holiday in the last three months that was not celebrated in a hospital room. For this we are thankful. 🙂

-You know those pictures I said I would post of the baby shower luncheon that I never posted? Well, both of the preggos from the center have had their babies, so it’s kind of pointless to post any pictures (plus, I got rid of a bunch of old email addresses so most of my photobucket accounts no longer work and I have to find new image hosting… hence all the broken links on this here blog).

-Still no pregnancy news. Seriously, nada. Nothing.

-I have very recently decided to set some goals for 2011. These are not resolutions, but rather long term goals that just happen to come into fruition after the new year. I am by no means waiting until January 1st to start them (I’ll make a seperate post).

-I have decided to “come clean” and officially open up about this blog and our journey of TTCing to the lovely world of Facebook. This is one of the scariest things ever, especially since I’ve lied to several people about being ready for children and I’ve downright denied that Hubband and I have been trying (I’m so sorry if you’re one of the people I’ve lied to!), but it was just one of those things I wasn’t ready to talk about in person, and, to be honest, I’m still not 100% ready to talk about. So, I have some “rules”: Feel free to read this blog, as it is public and all, and feel free to comment on here, but do not mention anything from the blog on Facebook or in person. I will pretend I don’t know what you’re talking about and either delete your comment or walk away. This is my place to “get it all out” and be honest with myself, I’m just inviting you in. I don’t want to talk about anything, I don’t want your advice via wall-post, and I can promise you that I do not need a “heart-to-heart” or a hug from you at the center or if I run into you at the bowling alley. Got it? Good. Enjoy.

‘Tis all my lovely peoples! I promise to do much better about updating from here on out.

 

The power of family October 4, 2010

Filed under: Personal Post — Stephanie Marie @ 10:41 pm

I have never been one that has been super close to my biological family. I’ve always felt different and like I didn’t belong, though I can’t pinpoint when these feelings began or why. I guess it doesn’t really matter. Long story short, I realized at some point in my life that family had nothing to do with sharing blood or DNA, and absolutely everything to do with sharing love and a bond that cannot be broken.

Let me tell you about my family. Yes, I have a biological family and I have in-laws. I love love love my in-laws (so much so that I actually rarely refer to them as in-laws when I introduce them or talk about them)! I can honestly say that my Mother-in-Law is one of my best friends, my Father-in-Law is a wonderfully fun person to be around, and I have two of the best brothers anyone could ever ask for. Let me not forget my wonderful Hubband, Rodney, our “son” Rocky (the meanest tabby cat you’ll ever meat), and our “daughter” Olive (my baby puppy dog). I love my family!

On top of my biological and legal family, I am one of those people who refers to very very close friends as family. Biologically speaking, none of my brothers or sisters have children (and I am cool with that), but I do have a niece, Sarah. Sarah’s mother and I met while working at literally the worst jobs ever, and our husbands became fast friends after realizing that they are basically clones of each other. Our relationships go far beyond friends. These are the people that I would trust with my life and I’d do anything for (something, I hate to say, I have a hard time saying about my biological family), and who I learn so much from. These are the people that will one day be my children’s aunt and uncle, and we’ve chosen (albeit way preemptively) to share the roles of God-parents for those same future children (the other co-God-parents are currently cooking my next niece or nephew in South Carolina and we also consider family).

To end this terribly disjointed post, I leave you with something a very wise woman once said to me: “There’s a family you’re born to, and a family you find.” I’m happy to have found my family in this world, and I wish I had a way of experssing how much I love them, because they deserve to know, but there are just not enough words.

 

To seeing possibilities… September 28, 2010

Filed under: Personal Post — Stephanie Marie @ 10:51 pm

What seems like a long time ago, a great man said these words to me as I was leaving his office: “To seeing possibilities where others only see walls.” At the time I thought that it was an odd way to say good-bye, albeit a thought provoking one. I knew that he was specifically referring to interactive performance, and, more specifically, performing in the Box, but as I’ve come to notice in my life, he was referring to much, much more.

I’ve always had an aversion to being told what to do. I’m stubborn and I like to do what I know to be right, even if others disagree wth me. I do not like being a follower, but that doesn’t mean I want to be your leader.

That being said, last week I decided that I was too tied to the internet, specifically to Facebook, and enough was enough. I announced that I was going on a Facebook Blackout for 7 days, to just kind of get away from it all. I knew that it would be hard, and, even in the first few days I thought I was going to have to cave because I was trying to plan a few things and it seems like no one answers their phones anymore, but I persisted. A not so long story short, I made it to 9 days without Facebook, and I was actually a bit bored when I got back on it today. I guess I was expecting my friends to write on my wall or to post really interesting things, but no one really did. Oh well. Good to know I can go without. 🙂

I am one of those people that tends to put up more walls in person than I do on the internet (case in point, this blog). I do not like talking to people in person, because I do not like social situations. I feel awkward and I do not know how to act. I often get embarrassed because I say the wrong thing or I react the wrong way. When I find someone I can have a conversation with and truly be myself without worrying about body language or tact, that’s something very special to me. What’s even more special to me is when I can make that kind of connection with someone I truly love, and this was the case this weekend.

I have never felt right with my family. My siblings and I are very very different and this is not very different with my husband’s brothers. I’m close with his baby brother, Chris, but even so, we have a difficult time connecting most of the time. We argue, a LOT, and we’re both very stubborn people. My husband’s other brother, Patrick, reminds me quite a bit of my biological brother, and I’ve always been kind of hung up on that since I met him. That is a wall I have put up, and this Saturday we broke that wall down. We talked for hours about so many things that we have never mentioned spoke to each other about in the nearly three years we’ve known each other. I think Patrick put it best when he said that there are people you love because they’re blood, and there are people you love because you truly love them. After this time spent with Patrick, I can honestly say that I feel as though we have both moved from the “love because their blood” (even though we’re not blood) side, to the “truly love” side of things. Now I just need to work on verbalizing this to him.

 

To start, a not so Wordless Wednesday… September 22, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized,Wordless Wednesday — Stephanie Marie @ 9:33 pm
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I had a job interview today, my first in nearly a year, and I’m not entirely sure how it went. The job is basically tailored for me, and I would love to be doing something I’m so knowledgable about and so good at, but, at the very end, I got a question about something that happened months ago and that I didn’t really have anything to do with. I felt like I was being attacked because one of the kids has special needs. I did my best, and if they choose not to use me for the position, then that’s their choice. There’s nothing I can do about it now.

In other news, I’m battling bronchitis, which, in not too many words, sucks! I don’t feel sick for most of the day, but I can’t laugh or I lose the ability to breathe. If I start coughing it’s all over; I can’t breathe, I can’t talk, and I can’t stop. Grossly enough, I can cough up mucus, but I can’t get it out, so I can’t get rid of it. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. By the end of the day my head is throbbing, my chest is tight and sore, and I just want to stab myself in the face to end my suffering. I hate being sick. 😦 Not to mention that I sound like a bad drag queen right now. I feel awesome. :-/

In my sickened state I’ve been spending a lot of time on the internet, searching around for crap I don’t need or spending hours looking for specific things that people want for their almost babies, only to be shot down and not thanked. I really need to stop being nice to people that really are not nice to me, but I digress. I’ve been reading several blogs to keep me entertained and I almost did the unthinkable today: joined a TTC forum! I’m not one to generally ask for help or commisserate with other people, but, in a particularly severe moment of weekness I wandered over to the Bump, and considered logging in. In the end, my sanity returned (or so I’m telling myself) and I didn’t post anything, but now I’m wondering if maybe I should have. Would it be beneficial for me to talk to other women who are trying to conceive and not having any luck? I’m afraid that it’ll just bring me down as I read, from month to month, that more and more of them are getting pregnant while I’m not. I’m still considering it, albeit in the back of my mind. Lord knows that my current plan of venting to the same three friends (whom I’m sure are sick of hearing about it) and being around people who got pregnant “on accident” the same month I started trying to get pregnant on purpose, is just not helping my morale at all.

In other news, this is the week of the infamous “Facebook Blackout”! That’s right, folks, as of this past Sunday I have not logged onto Facebook even once and I don’t plan to again until Monday the 27th. I doubt anyone really cares all that much, and I do feel rather liberated from it by having been gone for three days, but I must say that I picked the worst week to do this little experiment. Aunt Ann is planning a Miller family get together, it’s Kevin’s birthday tomorrow, and I’m trying to put together a baby shower luncheon thing for the two girls at work (once again, being way too nice, however it does get me out of playing any baby shower games). I have come to learn that planning any sort of get together or celebrating any sort of special occassion with anyone off of Facebook in this day and age just kind of sucks. That being said, things seem to be working out fine, albeit with more legwork having to be done.

Now, for the real reason I logged on this lovely evening… WORDLESS WEDNESDAY! I apologize for missing last week, and because I couldn’t participate in WW on Facebook this week, I didn’t think to take any pictures. My remedy for this? I’m going to post last weeks photos. 🙂 Enjoy!

 

Let’s talk… September 19, 2010

Filed under: Personal Post — Stephanie Marie @ 8:53 pm

I don’t have a Savings Sunday post today as I haven’t had to go out to the grocery store as of late because I’m stocked to the brim. Sorry, not fantastically long receipts today.

Instead, I’m going talk about a topic that is all too familiar: I took a prenancy test, and it was negative.

To be honest, I’m not 100% sure how I feel about this anymore. We didn’t chart this month, and we didn’t plan when we should try and when we shouldn’t. I’ve felt strange recently, including having odd cramping in my lower abdomen and having my breasts be sore on the sides. I haven’t felt well, and I’ve been super emotional. And, nothing. There’s a part of me that is just so relieved to not be pregnant because I’m still a little scared of the prospect of being a mother, but mostly because I’ve already convinced myself that I will never be a mother.

Don’t get me wrong, I would love to be a mother! It’s all I’ve ever wanted to be, but, for once in my life, I’ve felt like I’m not good enough to do something. I literally have everyone around be having children right now, and I feel so left out. Friends from college, former students, coworkers, even my best friend! All are having children, and i’m not.

So, where do I go from here? Do I focus on myself and just hope it happens? To I keep preparing for our hypothetical future children? Do we keep trying? Do we wait and try again in a few months?

It’s weird feeling lost.