Not Yet Mommy

The long journey towards parenthood…

A big, big problem. March 18, 2011

Filed under: Personal Post — Stephanie Marie @ 11:12 pm

Let’s go ahead and skip the formalities. I know I’ve been a sucky blogger as of late, but that is pretty much because I’ve sucked at life as of late. No excuses, because they don’t matter. I suck, and I’m sorry.

Life is getting better, though. I’m spending more time with the Hubband, I’m doing better at keeping house and being a wife, I’m enjoying my work and my life more, and I’m spending some more time on myself. Dare I say, I am a much much happier Stephanie. Granted, I’ve had to give up on watching the Hubband bowl three nights a week (but seriously, my apartment is cleanish for once, so perhaps it’s an OK sacrifice, though I really do miss watching him bowl), and I’m pretty sure I threw a friendship right down the toilet in order to be able to focus on myself. Do I feel bad about the friendship? Yeah, a little, but I guess the fact that I’m not too heartbroken over it means that it probably wasn’t the best friendship. Oh well.

Also, I’ve been taking part in a Bible study with two of my friends from high school (who are about 1600 miles away from me, I might add) who have been having some baby-making issues as well, and that has helped so much with the whole TTC bit. Well, that and a book that my dear friend Jenny gave me to read. Now, let me preface this by saying that there is no medical reason why Hubband and I cannot have children and we have not been labeled as infertiles by anyone, however, by pure definition, since we’ve been trying over a year and we’re under 35, we’re technically having “fertility issues.” Whatever. I chalk it up to bad timing and stress, but however people want to label me, that’s cool with me.

Where was I? Oh yeah. So, Jenny gave me this book about infertility and being able to find peace along the journey. Ha! The journey? Finding peace? What a joke that notion feels like when you’re staring at a single f-ing pink line on a pee stick each month, but I figured I’d give the book a try. What a difference it has made in my life! Now, I can’t say that either the Bible study or the book has made the biggest difference, but, long story short, I’ve realized that I’ve been praying the wrong prayer all of these months.

You see, this whole time I’ve been praying feverishly for a baby. I’ve begged. I’ve pleaded. I’ve bargained… and nothing. I’ve realized that it’s not my right to pray for a baby; God knows I want a baby and He knows if and when I will ever have one. What I need to be praying for is that God’s will be done and that He gives me the patience to wait for Him to carry out His plan.

Does this make everything better? Does it make it so that I think about having a child less or make it so I’m not this obsessive baby freak anymore? No, not really. I’m a little better, but yes, I think about my future children often and I still ache to be a mother. However, I can honestly say that I’m becoming less anxious and, dare I say, more at peace with not yet being a mother. I feel like I’m learning the skills God wants me to learn before bringing a child into this world and I just hope that I’m doing what He wants me to do.

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Measure Me Monday- In the beginning… January 4, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Stephanie Marie @ 12:14 am

Created by MyFitnessPal – Free Calorie Counter

Highest Weight: 298.0 lbs. (May 25, 2009)
Starting Weight: 274.8 lbs. (December 27, 2010)
Current Weight: 272.0 lbs. (January 3, 2011)
Weight Change (since SW): -2.8 lbs.
Weight Change (total): -26.0 lbs.

I feel like I am kicking ass! Did I work as hard as I should have this past weekend? No, but I’m not going to beat myself up over it. I am on my way.

I was thinking about doing a whole post on my inspirations, to delve a little deeper than my Wordless Wednesday, but I am both really wired and really exhausted, so I will save that for tomorrow. Tonight I leave you with my three mantras:
“To seeing possibilities where others only see walls.”
“Will-power isn’t something you have or don’t have; it’s something you use or don’t use.”
“Work hard, or don’t work at all.”

I’m here to work, and I will not fail!

 

Sometimes motivation kicks you right in the ovaries… December 31, 2010

Filed under: Personal Post,The Path to Half — Stephanie Marie @ 12:05 am

It will never fail to amaze me where motivation can come from. As you saw in my post yesterday, much of my inspiration comes from the love I have for several people, but some of my inspiration also comes from embarrassment. There have been times that I didn’t fit or I looked terrible in an outfit, or what have you, but today took the cake.

Now, you must remember that I work with children, and children do not think the same way as most adults. Children have a tough time with thinking of situations in a rational manner sometimes and their logic is just too funny to me. What happened between me and a 6-year-old boy today serves as both a great laugh and the kick in the ass I need to keep going.

I was holding baby P today out near the playground, just chatting with Mama Miller and some of the kids when the 6-year-old boy came up to the fence and asked me, in all seriousness that a 6-year-old can muster, “Miss Stephanie, are you going to have a baby soon?” Now, let me fill you in on what was going through my brain at this moment. I know children, and I know that he could have only meant three things by this question: 1) I am a woman and to 6-year-old children all women are “mommies”, therefore, I should be a mommy (this was reinforced as being the logical reason for asking me such a question as this is the same child that often asks me why my children are not at the center and what their names are. He always seems rather confused when I tell them that I don’t have children yet.), 2) I was holding a baby and he assumed that I should be having a baby if I were holding a baby, perhaps, or 3) He was saying, in a roundabout manner, that I am fat.

Guess which one it was.

Yup! I told him I was not about to have a baby and he replied, “Oh! It looks like you are,” with that same look of confusion that he gives me when I tell him that my children are not at the center because they don’t exist yet.

I know that he didn’t mean it maliciously, after all he is only a 6-year-old boy, and most 6-year-old boys are not evil, but it did make me feel like shit and it was definitely the reason I refrained from eating the entire box of cookies that had been sitting in the office most of the afternoon. 🙂

 

(I fail at) Wordless Wednesday- Inspiration December 30, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Stephanie Marie @ 12:30 am

 

Measure Me Monday- Week 1 December 27, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Stephanie Marie @ 11:23 pm


Today is my first Measure Me Monday post and, as you can see, I was off on my predition of being between 275 and 290, but not my much and very much so in the direction I was hoping to be in. 🙂 I am currently 274.8, which is down 23.2lbs from my highest weight ever of 298lbs. I have 125.8 left to go, which means I need to lose about 2.4 pounds a week to reach my goal weight by next Christmas. I can do this!

Also, today was my first day of Couch to 5K and I must say that I am wicked proud of myself! I resorted to running inside today as it was only about 42* when I went to work out, but I didn’t stop, even when I really really wanted to, and my heart rate wasn’t embarrassing. I’m not super sore (just good workout sore muscles) and I was very pleasently surprised when my hips and back pain disappeared almost immediately! They’re both back, but with much less severity. All told C25K took me 51 minutes, when you include my 7 minute warm-up and my 10 minute cool-down, and I burned something like 950 calories, both according to the machine in the gym and myfitnesspal.com. I, my friends, am proud of myself!

Tomorrow starts some general conditioning training for my arms and core, as well as, hopefully, a nice long walk with Mama Miller during the day. 🙂

 

Yeah, I know that I suck… December 26, 2010

Filed under: Personal Post — Stephanie Marie @ 11:44 pm

It’s been over two months since I’ve written a blog post and I know that I kind of suck at this whole blogging thing, but I’m hoping that I’ll get better at it. So, what has been new in my life? Take a seat and hold on, I’ll tell you all about it.

– I spent the latter half of October and most of the month of November in and out of hospitals as my father-in-law went from having chest pains to having a triple bypass (with an aortic valve replacement thrown in for good measure) to having a wicked bedsore that literally became a major pain in the ass when it required surgery. Since then it’s been the roller coaster that is recovery. On the bright side, he’s doing very well and we just celebrated our first holiday in the last three months that was not celebrated in a hospital room. For this we are thankful. 🙂

-You know those pictures I said I would post of the baby shower luncheon that I never posted? Well, both of the preggos from the center have had their babies, so it’s kind of pointless to post any pictures (plus, I got rid of a bunch of old email addresses so most of my photobucket accounts no longer work and I have to find new image hosting… hence all the broken links on this here blog).

-Still no pregnancy news. Seriously, nada. Nothing.

-I have very recently decided to set some goals for 2011. These are not resolutions, but rather long term goals that just happen to come into fruition after the new year. I am by no means waiting until January 1st to start them (I’ll make a seperate post).

-I have decided to “come clean” and officially open up about this blog and our journey of TTCing to the lovely world of Facebook. This is one of the scariest things ever, especially since I’ve lied to several people about being ready for children and I’ve downright denied that Hubband and I have been trying (I’m so sorry if you’re one of the people I’ve lied to!), but it was just one of those things I wasn’t ready to talk about in person, and, to be honest, I’m still not 100% ready to talk about. So, I have some “rules”: Feel free to read this blog, as it is public and all, and feel free to comment on here, but do not mention anything from the blog on Facebook or in person. I will pretend I don’t know what you’re talking about and either delete your comment or walk away. This is my place to “get it all out” and be honest with myself, I’m just inviting you in. I don’t want to talk about anything, I don’t want your advice via wall-post, and I can promise you that I do not need a “heart-to-heart” or a hug from you at the center or if I run into you at the bowling alley. Got it? Good. Enjoy.

‘Tis all my lovely peoples! I promise to do much better about updating from here on out.

 

Bloggity Blog Blog! October 13, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Stephanie Marie @ 10:59 pm

First and foremost let me start out by saying that, yes, I know I suck at this whole “Wordless Wednesday” thing. I will try to get better, I promise, however Wednesdays always seem to be the busiest days of my life as well as the most boring as far as picture taking is concerned. Still, be prepared to be bombarded with picture awesomeness soon as I’m going to post pictures from the awesome baby shower that I threw for the two pregos at work the other day! 🙂

In the mean time, I will be chatting a bit about a new addiction that is forming, and that is reading other people’s blogs! I don’t know what it is about following the lives of people who are essentually strangers, but I begin to feel close to these women and I genuinely enjoy reading about their days. It makes me feel a little less alienated in my world to know that I’m not the only person on earth that feels the way I feel or thinks about the same mundane stuff. Granted, I have only been reading blogs by women who are mothers as of late, but I still feel a connection. Maybe getting to see a bit into their lives as mommies makes me feel better about my life as a not-yet-mommy, who knows.

In case anyone is interested, here are the blogs I currently find myself reading (and I think you should check out):
Dirty Diaper Laundry (Been reading this one for over a year. Kim is freaking awesome and one of the authorities on Cloth Diapering!)

Pickles & Paisleys

What’s Cookin’

A Few of my Favorite Things (A-freaking-mazing crafty stuff!)

Here Comes The Sun

There are a few more that I’ve been lurking on, but these are my favorites and the ones I check daily. Check them out and let me know of any you like to read as well. 🙂 I Love Blogs!