Let’s go ahead and skip the formalities. I know I’ve been a sucky blogger as of late, but that is pretty much because I’ve sucked at life as of late. No excuses, because they don’t matter. I suck, and I’m sorry.
Life is getting better, though. I’m spending more time with the Hubband, I’m doing better at keeping house and being a wife, I’m enjoying my work and my life more, and I’m spending some more time on myself. Dare I say, I am a much much happier Stephanie. Granted, I’ve had to give up on watching the Hubband bowl three nights a week (but seriously, my apartment is cleanish for once, so perhaps it’s an OK sacrifice, though I really do miss watching him bowl), and I’m pretty sure I threw a friendship right down the toilet in order to be able to focus on myself. Do I feel bad about the friendship? Yeah, a little, but I guess the fact that I’m not too heartbroken over it means that it probably wasn’t the best friendship. Oh well.
Also, I’ve been taking part in a Bible study with two of my friends from high school (who are about 1600 miles away from me, I might add) who have been having some baby-making issues as well, and that has helped so much with the whole TTC bit. Well, that and a book that my dear friend Jenny gave me to read. Now, let me preface this by saying that there is no medical reason why Hubband and I cannot have children and we have not been labeled as infertiles by anyone, however, by pure definition, since we’ve been trying over a year and we’re under 35, we’re technically having “fertility issues.” Whatever. I chalk it up to bad timing and stress, but however people want to label me, that’s cool with me.
Where was I? Oh yeah. So, Jenny gave me this book about infertility and being able to find peace along the journey. Ha! The journey? Finding peace? What a joke that notion feels like when you’re staring at a single f-ing pink line on a pee stick each month, but I figured I’d give the book a try. What a difference it has made in my life! Now, I can’t say that either the Bible study or the book has made the biggest difference, but, long story short, I’ve realized that I’ve been praying the wrong prayer all of these months.
You see, this whole time I’ve been praying feverishly for a baby. I’ve begged. I’ve pleaded. I’ve bargained… and nothing. I’ve realized that it’s not my right to pray for a baby; God knows I want a baby and He knows if and when I will ever have one. What I need to be praying for is that God’s will be done and that He gives me the patience to wait for Him to carry out His plan.
Does this make everything better? Does it make it so that I think about having a child less or make it so I’m not this obsessive baby freak anymore? No, not really. I’m a little better, but yes, I think about my future children often and I still ache to be a mother. However, I can honestly say that I’m becoming less anxious and, dare I say, more at peace with not yet being a mother. I feel like I’m learning the skills God wants me to learn before bringing a child into this world and I just hope that I’m doing what He wants me to do.