Not Yet Mommy

The long journey towards parenthood…

To seeing possibilities… September 28, 2010

Filed under: Personal Post — Stephanie Marie @ 10:51 pm

What seems like a long time ago, a great man said these words to me as I was leaving his office: “To seeing possibilities where others only see walls.” At the time I thought that it was an odd way to say good-bye, albeit a thought provoking one. I knew that he was specifically referring to interactive performance, and, more specifically, performing in the Box, but as I’ve come to notice in my life, he was referring to much, much more.

I’ve always had an aversion to being told what to do. I’m stubborn and I like to do what I know to be right, even if others disagree wth me. I do not like being a follower, but that doesn’t mean I want to be your leader.

That being said, last week I decided that I was too tied to the internet, specifically to Facebook, and enough was enough. I announced that I was going on a Facebook Blackout for 7 days, to just kind of get away from it all. I knew that it would be hard, and, even in the first few days I thought I was going to have to cave because I was trying to plan a few things and it seems like no one answers their phones anymore, but I persisted. A not so long story short, I made it to 9 days without Facebook, and I was actually a bit bored when I got back on it today. I guess I was expecting my friends to write on my wall or to post really interesting things, but no one really did. Oh well. Good to know I can go without. 🙂

I am one of those people that tends to put up more walls in person than I do on the internet (case in point, this blog). I do not like talking to people in person, because I do not like social situations. I feel awkward and I do not know how to act. I often get embarrassed because I say the wrong thing or I react the wrong way. When I find someone I can have a conversation with and truly be myself without worrying about body language or tact, that’s something very special to me. What’s even more special to me is when I can make that kind of connection with someone I truly love, and this was the case this weekend.

I have never felt right with my family. My siblings and I are very very different and this is not very different with my husband’s brothers. I’m close with his baby brother, Chris, but even so, we have a difficult time connecting most of the time. We argue, a LOT, and we’re both very stubborn people. My husband’s other brother, Patrick, reminds me quite a bit of my biological brother, and I’ve always been kind of hung up on that since I met him. That is a wall I have put up, and this Saturday we broke that wall down. We talked for hours about so many things that we have never mentioned spoke to each other about in the nearly three years we’ve known each other. I think Patrick put it best when he said that there are people you love because they’re blood, and there are people you love because you truly love them. After this time spent with Patrick, I can honestly say that I feel as though we have both moved from the “love because their blood” (even though we’re not blood) side, to the “truly love” side of things. Now I just need to work on verbalizing this to him.

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