Not Yet Mommy

The long journey towards parenthood…

Let’s talk… September 19, 2010

Filed under: Personal Post — Stephanie Marie @ 8:53 pm

I don’t have a Savings Sunday post today as I haven’t had to go out to the grocery store as of late because I’m stocked to the brim. Sorry, not fantastically long receipts today.

Instead, I’m going talk about a topic that is all too familiar: I took a prenancy test, and it was negative.

To be honest, I’m not 100% sure how I feel about this anymore. We didn’t chart this month, and we didn’t plan when we should try and when we shouldn’t. I’ve felt strange recently, including having odd cramping in my lower abdomen and having my breasts be sore on the sides. I haven’t felt well, and I’ve been super emotional. And, nothing. There’s a part of me that is just so relieved to not be pregnant because I’m still a little scared of the prospect of being a mother, but mostly because I’ve already convinced myself that I will never be a mother.

Don’t get me wrong, I would love to be a mother! It’s all I’ve ever wanted to be, but, for once in my life, I’ve felt like I’m not good enough to do something. I literally have everyone around be having children right now, and I feel so left out. Friends from college, former students, coworkers, even my best friend! All are having children, and i’m not.

So, where do I go from here? Do I focus on myself and just hope it happens? To I keep preparing for our hypothetical future children? Do we keep trying? Do we wait and try again in a few months?

It’s weird feeling lost.


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