Not Yet Mommy

The long journey towards parenthood…

To seeing possibilities… September 28, 2010

Filed under: Personal Post — Stephanie Marie @ 10:51 pm

What seems like a long time ago, a great man said these words to me as I was leaving his office: “To seeing possibilities where others only see walls.” At the time I thought that it was an odd way to say good-bye, albeit a thought provoking one. I knew that he was specifically referring to interactive performance, and, more specifically, performing in the Box, but as I’ve come to notice in my life, he was referring to much, much more.

I’ve always had an aversion to being told what to do. I’m stubborn and I like to do what I know to be right, even if others disagree wth me. I do not like being a follower, but that doesn’t mean I want to be your leader.

That being said, last week I decided that I was too tied to the internet, specifically to Facebook, and enough was enough. I announced that I was going on a Facebook Blackout for 7 days, to just kind of get away from it all. I knew that it would be hard, and, even in the first few days I thought I was going to have to cave because I was trying to plan a few things and it seems like no one answers their phones anymore, but I persisted. A not so long story short, I made it to 9 days without Facebook, and I was actually a bit bored when I got back on it today. I guess I was expecting my friends to write on my wall or to post really interesting things, but no one really did. Oh well. Good to know I can go without. 🙂

I am one of those people that tends to put up more walls in person than I do on the internet (case in point, this blog). I do not like talking to people in person, because I do not like social situations. I feel awkward and I do not know how to act. I often get embarrassed because I say the wrong thing or I react the wrong way. When I find someone I can have a conversation with and truly be myself without worrying about body language or tact, that’s something very special to me. What’s even more special to me is when I can make that kind of connection with someone I truly love, and this was the case this weekend.

I have never felt right with my family. My siblings and I are very very different and this is not very different with my husband’s brothers. I’m close with his baby brother, Chris, but even so, we have a difficult time connecting most of the time. We argue, a LOT, and we’re both very stubborn people. My husband’s other brother, Patrick, reminds me quite a bit of my biological brother, and I’ve always been kind of hung up on that since I met him. That is a wall I have put up, and this Saturday we broke that wall down. We talked for hours about so many things that we have never mentioned spoke to each other about in the nearly three years we’ve known each other. I think Patrick put it best when he said that there are people you love because they’re blood, and there are people you love because you truly love them. After this time spent with Patrick, I can honestly say that I feel as though we have both moved from the “love because their blood” (even though we’re not blood) side, to the “truly love” side of things. Now I just need to work on verbalizing this to him.

 

To start, a not so Wordless Wednesday… September 22, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized,Wordless Wednesday — Stephanie Marie @ 9:33 pm
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I had a job interview today, my first in nearly a year, and I’m not entirely sure how it went. The job is basically tailored for me, and I would love to be doing something I’m so knowledgable about and so good at, but, at the very end, I got a question about something that happened months ago and that I didn’t really have anything to do with. I felt like I was being attacked because one of the kids has special needs. I did my best, and if they choose not to use me for the position, then that’s their choice. There’s nothing I can do about it now.

In other news, I’m battling bronchitis, which, in not too many words, sucks! I don’t feel sick for most of the day, but I can’t laugh or I lose the ability to breathe. If I start coughing it’s all over; I can’t breathe, I can’t talk, and I can’t stop. Grossly enough, I can cough up mucus, but I can’t get it out, so I can’t get rid of it. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. By the end of the day my head is throbbing, my chest is tight and sore, and I just want to stab myself in the face to end my suffering. I hate being sick. 😦 Not to mention that I sound like a bad drag queen right now. I feel awesome. :-/

In my sickened state I’ve been spending a lot of time on the internet, searching around for crap I don’t need or spending hours looking for specific things that people want for their almost babies, only to be shot down and not thanked. I really need to stop being nice to people that really are not nice to me, but I digress. I’ve been reading several blogs to keep me entertained and I almost did the unthinkable today: joined a TTC forum! I’m not one to generally ask for help or commisserate with other people, but, in a particularly severe moment of weekness I wandered over to the Bump, and considered logging in. In the end, my sanity returned (or so I’m telling myself) and I didn’t post anything, but now I’m wondering if maybe I should have. Would it be beneficial for me to talk to other women who are trying to conceive and not having any luck? I’m afraid that it’ll just bring me down as I read, from month to month, that more and more of them are getting pregnant while I’m not. I’m still considering it, albeit in the back of my mind. Lord knows that my current plan of venting to the same three friends (whom I’m sure are sick of hearing about it) and being around people who got pregnant “on accident” the same month I started trying to get pregnant on purpose, is just not helping my morale at all.

In other news, this is the week of the infamous “Facebook Blackout”! That’s right, folks, as of this past Sunday I have not logged onto Facebook even once and I don’t plan to again until Monday the 27th. I doubt anyone really cares all that much, and I do feel rather liberated from it by having been gone for three days, but I must say that I picked the worst week to do this little experiment. Aunt Ann is planning a Miller family get together, it’s Kevin’s birthday tomorrow, and I’m trying to put together a baby shower luncheon thing for the two girls at work (once again, being way too nice, however it does get me out of playing any baby shower games). I have come to learn that planning any sort of get together or celebrating any sort of special occassion with anyone off of Facebook in this day and age just kind of sucks. That being said, things seem to be working out fine, albeit with more legwork having to be done.

Now, for the real reason I logged on this lovely evening… WORDLESS WEDNESDAY! I apologize for missing last week, and because I couldn’t participate in WW on Facebook this week, I didn’t think to take any pictures. My remedy for this? I’m going to post last weeks photos. 🙂 Enjoy!

 

Let’s talk… September 19, 2010

Filed under: Personal Post — Stephanie Marie @ 8:53 pm

I don’t have a Savings Sunday post today as I haven’t had to go out to the grocery store as of late because I’m stocked to the brim. Sorry, not fantastically long receipts today.

Instead, I’m going talk about a topic that is all too familiar: I took a prenancy test, and it was negative.

To be honest, I’m not 100% sure how I feel about this anymore. We didn’t chart this month, and we didn’t plan when we should try and when we shouldn’t. I’ve felt strange recently, including having odd cramping in my lower abdomen and having my breasts be sore on the sides. I haven’t felt well, and I’ve been super emotional. And, nothing. There’s a part of me that is just so relieved to not be pregnant because I’m still a little scared of the prospect of being a mother, but mostly because I’ve already convinced myself that I will never be a mother.

Don’t get me wrong, I would love to be a mother! It’s all I’ve ever wanted to be, but, for once in my life, I’ve felt like I’m not good enough to do something. I literally have everyone around be having children right now, and I feel so left out. Friends from college, former students, coworkers, even my best friend! All are having children, and i’m not.

So, where do I go from here? Do I focus on myself and just hope it happens? To I keep preparing for our hypothetical future children? Do we keep trying? Do we wait and try again in a few months?

It’s weird feeling lost.