Life is getting better, though. I’m spending more time with the Hubband, I’m doing better at keeping house and being a wife, I’m enjoying my work and my life more, and I’m spending some more time on myself. Dare I say, I am a much much happier Stephanie. Granted, I’ve had to give up on watching the Hubband bowl three nights a week (but seriously, my apartment is cleanish for once, so perhaps it’s an OK sacrifice, though I really do miss watching him bowl), and I’m pretty sure I threw a friendship right down the toilet in order to be able to focus on myself. Do I feel bad about the friendship? Yeah, a little, but I guess the fact that I’m not too heartbroken over it means that it probably wasn’t the best friendship. Oh well.

Also, I’ve been taking part in a Bible study with two of my friends from high school (who are about 1600 miles away from me, I might add) who have been having some baby-making issues as well, and that has helped so much with the whole TTC bit. Well, that and a book that my dear friend Jenny gave me to read. Now, let me preface this by saying that there is no medical reason why Hubband and I cannot have children and we have not been labeled as infertiles by anyone, however, by pure definition, since we’ve been trying over a year and we’re under 35, we’re technically having “fertility issues.” Whatever. I chalk it up to bad timing and stress, but however people want to label me, that’s cool with me.

Where was I? Oh yeah. So, Jenny gave me this book about infertility and being able to find peace along the journey. Ha! The journey? Finding peace? What a joke that notion feels like when you’re staring at a single f-ing pink line on a pee stick each month, but I figured I’d give the book a try. What a difference it has made in my life! Now, I can’t say that either the Bible study or the book has made the biggest difference, but, long story short, I’ve realized that I’ve been praying the wrong prayer all of these months.

You see, this whole time I’ve been praying feverishly for a baby. I’ve begged. I’ve pleaded. I’ve bargained… and nothing. I’ve realized that it’s not my right to pray for a baby; God knows I want a baby and He knows if and when I will ever have one. What I need to be praying for is that God’s will be done and that He gives me the patience to wait for Him to carry out His plan.

Does this make everything better? Does it make it so that I think about having a child less or make it so I’m not this obsessive baby freak anymore? No, not really. I’m a little better, but yes, I think about my future children often and I still ache to be a mother. However, I can honestly say that I’m becoming less anxious and, dare I say, more at peace with not yet being a mother. I feel like I’m learning the skills God wants me to learn before bringing a child into this world and I just hope that I’m doing what He wants me to do.

Created by MyFitnessPal – Free Calorie Counter

Highest Weight: 298.0 lbs. (May 25, 2009)
Starting Weight: 274.8 lbs. (December 27, 2010)
Current Weight: 272.0 lbs. (January 3, 2011)
Weight Change (since SW): -2.8 lbs.
Weight Change (total): -26.0 lbs.

I feel like I am kicking ass! Did I work as hard as I should have this past weekend? No, but I’m not going to beat myself up over it. I am on my way.

I was thinking about doing a whole post on my inspirations, to delve a little deeper than my Wordless Wednesday, but I am both really wired and really exhausted, so I will save that for tomorrow. Tonight I leave you with my three mantras:
“To seeing possibilities where others only see walls.”
“Will-power isn’t something you have or don’t have; it’s something you use or don’t use.”
“Work hard, or don’t work at all.”

I’m here to work, and I will not fail!

Now, you must remember that I work with children, and children do not think the same way as most adults. Children have a tough time with thinking of situations in a rational manner sometimes and their logic is just too funny to me. What happened between me and a 6-year-old boy today serves as both a great laugh and the kick in the ass I need to keep going.

I was holding baby P today out near the playground, just chatting with Mama Miller and some of the kids when the 6-year-old boy came up to the fence and asked me, in all seriousness that a 6-year-old can muster, “Miss Stephanie, are you going to have a baby soon?” Now, let me fill you in on what was going through my brain at this moment. I know children, and I know that he could have only meant three things by this question: 1) I am a woman and to 6-year-old children all women are “mommies”, therefore, I should be a mommy (this was reinforced as being the logical reason for asking me such a question as this is the same child that often asks me why my children are not at the center and what their names are. He always seems rather confused when I tell them that I don’t have children yet.), 2) I was holding a baby and he assumed that I should be having a baby if I were holding a baby, perhaps, or 3) He was saying, in a roundabout manner, that I am fat.

Guess which one it was.

Yup! I told him I was not about to have a baby and he replied, “Oh! It looks like you are,” with that same look of confusion that he gives me when I tell him that my children are not at the center because they don’t exist yet.

I know that he didn’t mean it maliciously, after all he is only a 6-year-old boy, and most 6-year-old boys are not evil, but it did make me feel like shit and it was definitely the reason I refrained from eating the entire box of cookies that had been sitting in the office most of the afternoon.

Today is my first Measure Me Monday post and, as you can see, I was off on my predition of being between 275 and 290, but not my much and very much so in the direction I was hoping to be in. I am currently 274.8, which is down 23.2lbs from my highest weight ever of 298lbs. I have 125.8 left to go, which means I need to lose about 2.4 pounds a week to reach my goal weight by next Christmas. I can do this!

Also, today was my first day of Couch to 5K and I must say that I am wicked proud of myself! I resorted to running inside today as it was only about 42* when I went to work out, but I didn’t stop, even when I really really wanted to, and my heart rate wasn’t embarrassing. I’m not super sore (just good workout sore muscles) and I was very pleasently surprised when my hips and back pain disappeared almost immediately! They’re both back, but with much less severity. All told C25K took me 51 minutes, when you include my 7 minute warm-up and my 10 minute cool-down, and I burned something like 950 calories, both according to the machine in the gym and myfitnesspal.com. I, my friends, am proud of myself!

Tomorrow starts some general conditioning training for my arms and core, as well as, hopefully, a nice long walk with Mama Miller during the day.

Keep in mind that I by no means dislike who I am (in fact, I am my own biggest fan) and I think I am darnright beautiful, but for health’s sake and in order to be a good role model for the children in my life whom I love so so dearly, I must do this. I have some really bad habits that I need to break, such as drinking my weight in caffeine daily and snacking incessantly, and there are some good routines I need to make much more routine, such as exercising more and meditating to destress.

I can’t post my beginning stats in this post, not because I’m somehow embarrassed by my weight or measurements, but because I’m currently recharging some batteries for my scale, plus I would like to weight in the mornings on Mondays (Measure Me Mondays, anyone?). If I had to guestimate my weight, it would be somewhere in the 275-290lb range, but I’ll be going from my highest weight ever measured (unless I’m somehow heavier now) of 298lbs. A year and a half ago. On my freaking wedding day. This would make my goal weight 149lbs by December 25, 2011.

How do I plan to get there? Lowering my carbohydrate intake (carbs and I do not get along at all and we never have, so they will not play a large role in my life. They will not disappear, as that is way not healthy, but I vow to not carbo load) and decreasing my stress, while increasing my sleep (something tells me 4-5 hours of sleep a night is not healthy) and greatly increasing my physical activity.

I will be doing the Couch to 5k program with my first 5k in many many years to be run in Tavares, FL on March 6, 2011, as well as shaking things up with some Wii Fit, weight training, and yoga. I will be pulling inspiration from several of my lovely sisters who are also doing C25K, a mother at the center who shared with me her amazing 100+lb weight loss, and the many children I have the opportunity to play with every day, but I often choose to watch while being rather stationary. That’s right, I plan to lose weight by playing kickball and running and playing tag. Tell me that doesn’t sound like fun!

I will do my absolute best to write posts about my progress along the way, but I am not being awesome at this whole blogging thing, so yell at me if it’s been a while.

Here’s to having a lot less of me to love!

- I spent the latter half of October and most of the month of November in and out of hospitals as my father-in-law went from having chest pains to having a triple bypass (with an aortic valve replacement thrown in for good measure) to having a wicked bedsore that literally became a major pain in the ass when it required surgery. Since then it’s been the roller coaster that is recovery. On the bright side, he’s doing very well and we just celebrated our first holiday in the last three months that was not celebrated in a hospital room. For this we are thankful.

-You know those pictures I said I would post of the baby shower luncheon that I never posted? Well, both of the preggos from the center have had their babies, so it’s kind of pointless to post any pictures (plus, I got rid of a bunch of old email addresses so most of my photobucket accounts no longer work and I have to find new image hosting… hence all the broken links on this here blog).

-Still no pregnancy news. Seriously, nada. Nothing.

-I have very recently decided to set some goals for 2011. These are not resolutions, but rather long term goals that just happen to come into fruition after the new year. I am by no means waiting until January 1st to start them (I’ll make a seperate post).

-I have decided to “come clean” and officially open up about this blog and our journey of TTCing to the lovely world of Facebook. This is one of the scariest things ever, especially since I’ve lied to several people about being ready for children and I’ve downright denied that Hubband and I have been trying (I’m so sorry if you’re one of the people I’ve lied to!), but it was just one of those things I wasn’t ready to talk about in person, and, to be honest, I’m still not 100% ready to talk about. So, I have some “rules”: Feel free to read this blog, as it is public and all, and feel free to comment on here, but do not mention anything from the blog on Facebook or in person. I will pretend I don’t know what you’re talking about and either delete your comment or walk away. This is my place to “get it all out” and be honest with myself, I’m just inviting you in. I don’t want to talk about anything, I don’t want your advice via wall-post, and I can promise you that I do not need a “heart-to-heart” or a hug from you at the center or if I run into you at the bowling alley. Got it? Good. Enjoy.

‘Tis all my lovely peoples! I promise to do much better about updating from here on out.

In the mean time, I will be chatting a bit about a new addiction that is forming, and that is reading other people’s blogs! I don’t know what it is about following the lives of people who are essentually strangers, but I begin to feel close to these women and I genuinely enjoy reading about their days. It makes me feel a little less alienated in my world to know that I’m not the only person on earth that feels the way I feel or thinks about the same mundane stuff. Granted, I have only been reading blogs by women who are mothers as of late, but I still feel a connection. Maybe getting to see a bit into their lives as mommies makes me feel better about my life as a not-yet-mommy, who knows.

In case anyone is interested, here are the blogs I currently find myself reading (and I think you should check out):
Dirty Diaper Laundry (Been reading this one for over a year. Kim is freaking awesome and one of the authorities on Cloth Diapering!)

Pickles & Paisleys

What’s Cookin’

A Few of my Favorite Things (A-freaking-mazing crafty stuff!)

Here Comes The Sun

There are a few more that I’ve been lurking on, but these are my favorites and the ones I check daily. Check them out and let me know of any you like to read as well. I Love Blogs!

Let me tell you about my family. Yes, I have a biological family and I have in-laws. I love love love my in-laws (so much so that I actually rarely refer to them as in-laws when I introduce them or talk about them)! I can honestly say that my Mother-in-Law is one of my best friends, my Father-in-Law is a wonderfully fun person to be around, and I have two of the best brothers anyone could ever ask for. Let me not forget my wonderful Hubband, Rodney, our “son” Rocky (the meanest tabby cat you’ll ever meat), and our “daughter” Olive (my baby puppy dog). I love my family!

On top of my biological and legal family, I am one of those people who refers to very very close friends as family. Biologically speaking, none of my brothers or sisters have children (and I am cool with that), but I do have a niece, Sarah. Sarah’s mother and I met while working at literally the worst jobs ever, and our husbands became fast friends after realizing that they are basically clones of each other. Our relationships go far beyond friends. These are the people that I would trust with my life and I’d do anything for (something, I hate to say, I have a hard time saying about my biological family), and who I learn so much from. These are the people that will one day be my children’s aunt and uncle, and we’ve chosen (albeit way preemptively) to share the roles of God-parents for those same future children (the other co-God-parents are currently cooking my next niece or nephew in South Carolina and we also consider family).

To end this terribly disjointed post, I leave you with something a very wise woman once said to me: “There’s a family you’re born to, and a family you find.” I’m happy to have found my family in this world, and I wish I had a way of experssing how much I love them, because they deserve to know, but there are just not enough words.

I’m hoping that I figure this all out relatively soon and can get back to being “myself.” In the meantime, I guess I’m just going to have to get use to this new not-so-me.